STAR OF ACTING

I am working on something very cool for the site right now, as well as more Don’t Believe Here The Evidence (up next is Adam Warren). I am also in the middle of the most busy academic semester of my life as well as a pretty tumultuous personal situation. I haven’t had time to work on anything but school or this large project, is what I’m saying. I haven’t even really had time to watch any movies, which is a shame because dude I have a copy of Winters Bone and Ashes of Time Redux both sitting RIGHT HERE waiting to be viewed. Of course, the other night when I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t throw on a movie about drug culture in the ozarks. I put on the worst movie I’ve seen in years. Five minutes into which, I decided I would have to liveblog making fun of it, because it would probably annoy some people who follow me on twitter. Anyway, people seemed to have liked it/thought it was funny, so I think it should have a more permanent home.

This is filler, and because it was originally posted on twitter, it’s VERY STUPID.

Anyway, something pretty cool coming up on the site in April. Right now I’ve got 3 papers to write.

• - The credits sequence of the Watchmen movie is basically the worst thing I’ve EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. I think we know what that means.
• - I liked this movie the first time I saw it, when it was called MYSTERY MEN #hollywoodminutejokes
• - Oh that’s right folks, I got the 3 and half hour cut of Watchmen and I’m going to shit on every single minute of it.
• - This movie was funded by some kind of 60s-80s celebrity impersonator union
• - So far Zack Snyder has tried to reference THE GODFATHER and SEVEN. Yes, that Zack Snyder. Referencing Coppola and Fincher. Not joking
• - There are Lethal Weapon guitars in this movie.
• - I know when I was reading Tales of the Black Freighter I was like “this should look like the old Spawn cartoon”
• - All superheroes are called “Watchmen” for some reason. And there is a woman in horrible makeup dressed like Annie Lebowitz
• - The guy playing Ozymandias is totally doing the Tom Cruise nazi voice in his first scene
• - TERRY GILLIAM WOULD HAVE AT LEAST GOTTEN RICHARD GERE TO DO THE TOM CRUISE NAZI VOICE
• - It’s raining in every scene.
• - Also that’s not how nukes work.
• - MALIN AKERMAN ACTING
• - Dr. Manhattan looks like an Avatar pre-viz
• - Malin Akerman’s acting style consists of turning her head to move her bangs slightly.
• - Hey I remember this song from BOOGIE NIGHTS #imisshollywoodminute #somuch
• - Malin Akerman makes BJ Novak’s performance in Inglourious Basterds look like it’s not someone screaming lines at him from offscreen
• - I REMEMBER THIS SONG FROM THE GRADUATE
• - Jackie Earle Haley dressed like David Caruso
• - Carla Gugino is entirely shot in soft-focus and is in pancake makeup (only in the “present” stuff. they have to do a lot of work to make her ugly)
• - HEY EVERYBODY LET’S SEE HOW ZACK SNYDER FILMS A RAPE SCENE
• - oh my god he speedramped the rape scene
• - I REMEMBER THIS SONG (AND SCENE) FROM APOCALYPSE NOW (oh my fucking shit are you serious?)
• - Jeffrey Dean Morgan is way too good an actor to be in this shit. And he’s clearly being directed poorly.
• - Seriously Morgan telling Manhattan off would be a great scene if it wasn’t awkwardly jammed in between two unrelated scenes
• - He’s shooting one scene with two different colored lenses for some reason
• - I WONDER WHO THE BAD GUY IS OH WAIT IT COULD BE THE GUY WITH THE FUCKING TOM CRUISE NAZI ACCENT
• - I REMEMBER THIS SONG FROM DAZED AND CONFUSED
• - anyone that compared this movie to Blade Runner, you seem to have forgotten a little movie called Spy Kids 3D
• - “What the hell happened to us?” #actualdialog #twoscreenwritersforthat
• - Matt Frewer, how the hell can you misdirect Matt Frewer?
• - I don’t remember the Comedian’s speech to Moloch sounding like a Lifetime movie about Epsteins Bar and Crying
• - HEY REMEMBER TAXI DRIVER
• - More Lethal Weapon guitars. Rorschach, you know he’s a detective. Just like Riggs and/or Murtaugh
• - Hey time for more awkwardly crammed in animated pirate story
• - I am only 1/3 into this worthless shit. btw. start unfollowing now
• - Oh now I see why they hired Malin Akerman, it’s because every other actress said no to a blacklight sex scene
• - The people who commented on Dr. Manhattan’s cock, yeah it’s ridiculous but it’s also coming after about 1,000 even more ridiculous things
• - Isn’t great how they couldn’t afford John Cusack and hired a young guy and dressed him up as John Cusack?
• - This is incoherent to the point of it needing annotations like it was a terrible Grant Morrison Batman comic (this is an in-joke, just ignore it)
• - The hair and makeup budget on this movie had to hit Caligula levels
• - Mustaches were supplied by Sam Rockwell
• - Oops Zack Snyder accidentally filmed the Elektra in the alley scene from Man Without Fear in the Watchmen movie
• - HEY REMEMBER QUIZ SHOW
• - Jesus Zack Snyder as if Dave Gibbons hadn’t been ripped off by Todd McFarlane enough
• - I watched End of Days yesterday. This makes it look like a Passolini-esque approach to serious material
• - HEY REMEMBER A BEAUTIFUL MIND
• - Billy Crudup, thirdstring Keanu Reeves replacement, star of Watchmen. Oh and that movie about the kid following around the rock band.
• - Is this Phillip Glass? Did Phillip Glass actually let them use his music in this garbage? Friend of Errol Morris Phillip Glass?
• - HEY I REMEMBER AKIRA
• - A guy dressed like Dick Cavett speaks to guy dressed like Jimmy Olsen against bluescreen #thingiamwatching
• - MALIN AKERMAN STAR OF ACTING
• - HEY I SAW DR STRANGELOVE TOO
• - Nixon looks like a guy in a Michael Meyers mask
• - For an “action” director, Zack Snyder sucks a lot of dick at directing a coherent action scene
• - Guy dressed as Lee Iacoca for some reason, talks to guy with Tom Cruise Nazi accent
• - I wonder if the guy giving the Bond Villain speech to Lee Iacoca is the bad guy?
• - Let’s explain exactly why the slomo in this movie doesn’t work: no conflict is playing out in any of this bc they’re a foregone conclusion
• - There is a reason this is called the “Ultimate Cut” rather than the “Director’s Cut”. The DGA would’ve sued on behalf of all other directors
• - I am halfway into this and they are in the story portion of issue 6. Christ it’s filmed in real time of reading it.
• - HEY I SAW THE PROFESSIONAL
• - If he actually films the Mad Max reference from the comic, it’ll open a black hole in the universe (he didn’t).
• - Jackie Earle Haley went to the Mark Hamil school of acting
• - Oh my god is that Jared Harris’ voice? Oh that’s just sad
• - They compressed weeks of story into one scene so Rorschach just suddenly starts telling his whole story FOR NO NARRATIVE REASON
• - Se7en AGAIN, for fuck’s sake Snyder
• - The whole “emasculation/resentment towards women” thing that Rorschach’s origin was about? Gone.
• - Omar in prison on the Wire was so much closer to Rorscach in prison than the actual filmed scene.
• - Malin Akerman’s wig
• - Patrick Wilson acts entirely with his upper lip
• - Mickey from Seinfeld. Far too good an actor for this garbage.
• - ZACK SNYDER DREAM SEQUENCE. ITS JUST LIKE CHOKING TO DEATH ON LUKEWARM SEMEN
• - HEY IF YOU WANT THERE’S A WHOLE MOVIE OF THAT IN IMAX THEATERS RIGHT NOW
• - Still, I’d rather watch this than Speed Racer
• - hey if you’re an animator who worked on Watchmen: there will never be enough prayer or charity for you to atone for being shitty at your job
• - HAHAHA LEONARD COHEN
• - Malin Akerman’s 3rd sex scene in the film, and she still hasn’t got the whole “human expression” thing down.
• - random asian guy on fire for no reason
• - I didn’t know there was a prison level in WipeoutXL
• - You really have to appreciate any scene that was actually added from the book because it’s always EVEN WORSE than the adapted ones
• - This prison scene looks like a Jonas Akerlund video.
• - Malin Akerman’s costume starring awful crotch lines
• - It’s 4 in the morning and I’m pretty sure that there’s no god and my life is empty enough to watch this garbage
• - Vaseline on the lens
• - I guess Zack Snyder hates asians (or only hired one stunt team).
• - I believe I’ve hit the fugue state of this movie.
• - Characters are now acting with no motivation whatsoever. All the dialog is meaningless. It’s a lot like Cyborg 2.
• - The one act of detective work in the book is now made into a character noticing the name of a book on a desk in front of him
• - MR TOM CRUISE NAZI ACCENT FINALLY TURNS OUT TO BE EVIL
• - They kept the ridiculous mutant cat for some reason
• - Zack Snyder, star of Malin Akerman
• - Vinyl jumpsuit now available on ebay comes with malin akerman’s obsolete husk of a soul
• - Malin Akerman was Natalie Portman’s crying double in Black Swan
• - Really how did this movie not destroy everyone involved forever? this is a Paint Your Wagon-level atrocity against the senses
• - I REMEMBER THIS SONG FROM FORREST GUMP
• - Zack Snyder had the fucking gall to put Road Warrior and the Ridley Scott Apple commercial on tv screens in his movie.
• - speedrampingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
• - Wire work doesn’t really make any sense if its the same sideways pull every single time
• - A gigantic cg cat is totally okay to leave in the movie but not the ending that actually made sense
• - Talking is hard. #malinakerman
• - Every generation gets the superhero movie it deserves. You all deserve Zack Snyder’s Watchmen.
• - Well, now I hate movies and comic books. Maybe I’ll go out dancing tomorrow with my free time. THANKS, ZACK SNYDER

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